{.. Disappearing Act ..}

this was from a couple weeks ago... but i reread it and yeah yeah..
it brought tears to my eyes
so here ya go...
i loved this person dearly and its sad when friendships come to an end

.

ok.. Disappearances happen.
it's unexplained, it's rare, but it happens.
Life is full of vanishing acts..

If something that we didnt know we had disappears, do we miss it?

_____, did you ever feel like you were disappearing? Because i do... all the time.
I wonder why cant I just be that "happily ever after" person.
Why can't i just believe that?
I dont really know what i believe in anymore..

I know that i WANT to believe in the good.

I believe life has been one hell of a trial for me... BUT i want to believe that in the face of all the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that I will be ok.

I want to believe a lot of things..

BUT.. I DO believe that my mom is always with me where ever i go.

and i believe if i eat a whole bag of chips and salsa and no one sees me... then calories dont count.

And yeah.. i believe that i have intimacy and commitment issues due to my obvious daddy issues and my past relationship...
because of that i believe that MAYBE love isnt for me.

I believe that music can cure ANYTHING.

We dont like to believe miracles exsist... but i believe they do. It happens. We cant explain them, we cant control them, but they DO happen.

I BELIEVE that i was the BEST of friends you could ever come across... and it was a mistake to cut me out of your life with NO explanation...



most of all...
I believe in survival...
I believe that believing we survive... is what makes us survive.

I love you _____.. you are... were... my family... my brother.. my friend.. I let you down... I dont know how, but i did. and you dont trust me right now but please... it's me!... its us...

anyway.. again.. If something that we didnt know we had disappears, do we miss it?

i guess, like others, our friendship will... is fading away...

Like i said... disappearances happen.
Pains... go phantom
Blood... stops running


and people...


people fade away...

There's so much more i have to say..
So much more..
but...

I'm disappearing..

.

{.. Enough is Enough (APRIL 30) ..}

.

Just Tell Me What's Going On! Is that to much to ask?
One Minute he's all over me and the next he's pushing me away!
i just... CANT believe this is happening again!
Why do i i keep doing this to myself?
I Must be a masochist or something!

Wow... writing this i realize... I was in an S & M relatiionship with someone i wasnt even committed too...


In LOVE relationships, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. IN FACT, it's a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having... To some... pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop and the "pain-pains" take over?

Are we masochists or optimists, if we continue to walk the fine line? When it comes to relationships how do you know enough is enough?

"why is it so hard for you to factor me in your life in any real way!? You said you loved me.."
"I do."
"Then why does it HURT so FUCKING much?!"

I was furious... not with him... but with myself. I was the REAL sadist. He might have been the one with the whip, but i was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being vulnerable and in love...


I went to bed at 1am... and was still awake at 3:30...

Did i ever really love him... or was i addicted to the pain.. the equisite pain of wanting someone that was dangerous for me

I finally reached my limit and just like that, i have untied myself from him. I was free...

but there was nothing exquisite about it..

.

{.. Trusting is a Bitch ..}

.



it keeps happening.. the minute you trust someone.. the min you even THINK you can trust someone, you become vulnerable...

you dont know it but you are...

next thing you know you're basically in debt to them.. now some people will take your trust and treasure it and by no means will ever use it against you... then there are others who take advantage of it and will use it to be superior to you. They think they have the right to speak a certain way toward you.. act a certain way... because you're in debt to them.. they have power over you.


it's just not fair... you think you were done making the mistake and trusting to fast..

but there you are

cornered.. and sometimes you have to stick with it and just pray things will be ok... you let them blame you... bring you down.. hurt you.. and you just sit there and take it.. even after that you still sometimes pray that they'll stop and love you for you again.. that they see you're their friend.. a person... and that you care about them so much and that's why you hurt...

a little food for thought



<3





.

{.. Secrets ..}

.

Secrets can't hide in life.

Experience has a way of exposing the lies.
Within the comforts of our mind the truth is stripped bare.


How we keep our secrets outside our mind… well, that's a little different.


One thing is certain... Whatever it is we're trying to hide, we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked.

That's the problem with secrets.

Like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything.

Until you don't have room for anything else.
Until you're so full of secrets, you feel like you're going to burst.

The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free.


Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not.
And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide them anymore.

The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control…

you're not.

.

{.. The Ending of Things ..}

.


basically i feel like im loosing everything close to me..

the hurt and pain is to much for my heart..

I'm different from you, all of you
you never understood

And my spirit's bruised and battered.

im so gulliable..

i hate it

.

{.. Ashamed ..}

.

We've all done something in our lives we're ashamed of

Some of us have fallen for the wrong guy

Some have let go of the right woman

There are those who have humiliated their parents

and those who have failed their children

…yes… we have all made mistakes that have diminished us and the ones we love

but there is redemption if we try to learn from those mistakes

and grow

.

{.. Make Believe? ..}

.

Everyone enjoys a game of make believe now and then

of course the ways in which we play can vary greatly


Sometimes we tell ourselves we can live without the love of others

Sometimes we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful then they really are

Then there are times we wish we had a different family

Occasionally we put on a show as if to convince ourselves our secrets arent really all that terrible

...Yes... the game of make believe is a simple one


You start by lying to yourself

and if you can get others to believe those lies...

You win

.